I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
