I have demons in me.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
