Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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