But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
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she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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