Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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