okay pat passed out under dana's car
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
