Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
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you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
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Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.