jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
