Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
