she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
