Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
