I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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