i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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