i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
