I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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