well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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