Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
