'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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