Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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