Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
