I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
