I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
