Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
