She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
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It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
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He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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