You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Randomize
