I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just threw up on my dentist
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
