Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
