You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
