you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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