I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
