I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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