Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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