I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
