how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
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you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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