wrigley field is MILF paradise
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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