I cannot find my penis.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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