Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
