Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
