I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
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I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
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I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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