Redeem this text for a blowjob
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
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