They should really pass out barf bags in church
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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