Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Oh god it's open bar.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
