First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
The best revenge is premature balding
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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