I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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