Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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