Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
