It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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