I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
