Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
