I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
