His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good