i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
