I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
