im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
