Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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