I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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