If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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