The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
