Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
