You really coming over, don't trick.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Life is so much better after having sex.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
